A Random, Weird World
by my name is bubblesugarmonkey
Summary: In this Hogwarts, things are... different. There is gravy, large fruit baskets, a plot... no, never mind and orange jello. You'll cry in frusrtation, and laugh when you've gone mad. READ IT... please?
1. Chapter 1: Serious Randomness

Alrighty, this is my first eva story. I so very much excited. wow. kewl. This is awesome! OKay... as it said, this story is random, because randomness is the best way to go, really. So , without further ado, here's my story! No flames! I LIKE PUDDING!

Harry was sitting on a pygmy puff. It was very comfortable, so no one could get him up.Even though he woul;d be late for class, he really didn't care. Suddenly, a wheel of cheese twenty times the normal size came barreling down a hill and killed all the villagers in his right ear.

" Serves the right, always fighting and- look, a beetle! Weee, follow the beetle!"

He ran around the room, chasing the imaginary beetle.

"Um, how long has he been doing this?" asked Hermione, who popped out of nowhere

"Wait, Lemme count...one... two... forty-seven... three! Three days, chasing the beetle I can't see. It's not fair.!" said Ron, being an idiot, also popping out of thin air.( a/n: anyone know why the air is always thin? Why can't it be normal, or even thick, or jello air? Ah, who cares? On w/ the story)

Harry suddenly stopped and started doing cartwheels all the way down to the Great Hall.

"Wait... it's 2 a.m. Why would the author-"

And then a safe fell on Hermione and we won't see her for a while. And that, as they say, is that. So live with it!

"Potter sure has been acting weird lately. Well, weirder that usual," wondered Draco Malfoy out loud, recalling the time Harry kept bewitching bookmarks to bite him either on the nose, or his toes.

" Well, I'll find out why!"

" Are you talking to yourself again, Draco? I told you no! Bad boy! You do that OUTSIDE!" said "Professor" Snape as he shooed Draco out a random door in the dungeon.

Ron was trying to keep Harry from eating the tapestry outside the common room when Hermione came back.

" Riley, I'm hungry, let me eat!" shouted Harry.

"My name is Ron! And no tapestry until you finish your spinach!"

"Fine, Rupert. You are a serious killjo- hey look, there's that beetle again! I'm gonna getcha! I'm gonna getcha!" said the unfortunate Harry.

" Well, um, I suppose he hasn't returned back to normal?" asked Hermione, dodging ever now and then when Harry would chase after the beetle.

" No, really? I hadn;t noticed!" said Ron in a rather attitudal way.

" Oh my God, R... R... something, your hair is on fire!" shouted Harry, who had started eating milfoils.

" AHHHH! IS IT? OMG NOT AGAIN! AHHHHHH!" shouted Ron, running about the castle.

" Gravy sucks!... I'm sorry gravy, I'll never betray you again!" said Harry, holding a gravy boat.

Hermione looks at the author, the author shrugs and says" Hey this is my fanfic. Live with it. Here, have a donut."

Hermione looks excited and scrambles off to the library to eat in peace.

Draco returned after talking to himself for an hour on the grounds. He was dragging what lookes like a really big fruit basket with a bow.

"It's for Harry. Someone said to give it, so, I'm now playing the part of messenger boy" Draco explained to onlooking peoples.

'Oh,okay then," said the onlooking peoples together.

Draco reached Harry's dorm, and left the basket there.

" HaHAHAHAHAHA... oh and ,uh, HA! I will succeed in my awesome plan of total coolness! WEEEE! NO, wait, that's not right." said Draco to himself, startling a first year.

Dumblydore, with his twinkly eyes and calm demeanor, said " Orange jello is the best. I can touch my nose with my tongue. Some people's feet stink worse than others. I named my dishsoap Martha. She's nice. Have a good day."

The entire world, including a lot of inanimate objects: what the... whatever.

Neville was eating chocolate cake when the world...(insert your own dramatic sounds or theme songs here) EXPLODED! um... boom?

A/N: Okay, this was a short chappie, but whatever, it'll be better. I'm open to suggestions, but not tapioca pudding. Yuck. Givin props to SiriuslyFunny and where-my-heart-resides. You guys have the best stories! Please click the pretty little button down there and review, because if you don't, I'll cry. But if you do, you will get a toaster! Yay for you!Weee!


	2. Chapter 2: More random and a hippo

Alrighty, I was hoping for two reviews, but one is fine. This is the pretty, precious, totally insane chappie #2! BEWARE! I will be adding ducks, for the one person who thought, "hey, I'll be nice and review someone's story to not make them feel like a total loser, only a little one". It's still K, so deal w/ it, punks! BANANAS!

Harry had began shooting sparks at random people walking by, effectively catching them on fire. He was hiding behind a gargoyle statue, so no one could see him. He would then shout " Holy flying fruitcakes, Batman! The Joker is eating ducks! We must stop him!". And then he would scramble away to come back a half hour later to do the same thing.

"Uh... Harry?" said Hermione, being very careful in case he was being dangerously weird. Harry was sitting on a Lazy Suzan(the things that sit on tables and spin around and around and around...) and throwing oranges at Professor Flitwick, who kept falling off off his stack of books.

" Yes, Queen Lady Bushy Hair That is Hard to Tame?" said Harry, taking another orange and looking at it lovingly.

" Why are you-" Hermione began, but then an anvil fell on her and she won't be here for another chapter or so.

" Hey, hey, Ralph, come here! I have a present for you!" shouted Harry over at Ron, which made him run for his life. He thought his hair was on fire. Again. Well, anyway, the present would've been a rubber ducky!

" My super cool plan of total awesomeness isn't working. Dangit all! It's not fair! He gets to be weird, but I -" Draco stated, before being cut off by Snape.

"What did I tell you about talking to yourself? It's not healthy!" scolded Prof. Whatever.

"But I was talking to Goyle-" Draco tried to explain again, pointing to Goyle across the table.

" I don't want any excuses. Outside. NO, BAD BOY, I TOLD YOU, YOU DO THAT OUTSIDE, NOT ON MY NEW RUG!" shouted... aw, you kno who I'm talking about after Draco started muttering.

Draco went outside, muttering to himself. I bet he just needed a cookie. Or a hug. Which ever.

Harry had stopped being weird for 47 minutes as a break, but then he would be normally weird again. The evil Clam of Moran came down, and gave him a check for one million dollars, because he was the millionth caller. yay. Then a tub of jello asked him which way it was to Ireland. He pointed the wrong way and told him just to ask Seamus, he should know.

" and then, you shou;d be there!" he fininshed explaining." Wait, why is there a fruit basket? And on the new rug! Hey, we ahve a new rug!YAYAYAY! Hurray for new rugs!"

He was back to being weird again. He went to the grounds and made a paper mache model of a noodle, and called it Steve.

Meanwhile, Draco was planning a very complex and difficult plan that had to be executed perfectly, or else it would fail. He had to know what was up with Potter, because then he could make fun of him. A hippo suddenly came in a tutu and asked him whether or not it looked fat. The honest answer would've gotten him squashed, so he reassured the hippo that he looked great.

" You're just saying that! I SO LOOK FAT! WAAAHHH!" cried the hippo, stomping away as manly as a hippo in a tutu can.

Draco forgot about that incident and went up to Harry, about to execute his perfect plan.

" So, uh, Potter...(here it goes)... why are you acting so weird?" said Draco. wow, what brilliant genius thought that up?" I thought that... hey look, that beetle's there! I thought I caught you! Come here, you, beetle, you!" Haryy chased after that poor beetle.

" Oh, it didn't work. Oh well, back to the lake," said Draco, walking down to talk to the giant squid.

Dumblydore came up to the screen and said," Bologna rhymes withe shlamoney. I can count to ten in my socks. Fish don't have souls or soles. I like pie with just a hint of lilac. Cheese gives cats really bad gas. Have a nice day."

Neville tripped over a ladybug when the world (once again, insert dramatic sounds or theme song here)... EXPLODED!

A/N: OKay, another short chappie, but I don't have many ideas. I need ideas people! Ideas make dolls heads' go 'round! For everyone who reviews, I'll consider crediting you. Like with a duck. Or a pie. Or maybe a cookie. Or a new car! crowd cheers PLease review, leave ideas or just type random words, I'll work with all three. It's my sis's b-day, too, so whatever. Have a day. WOOOOOOO!


	3. Chapter 3: Goats are lost, so are ideas

Cool, I have **3** whole reviews! Wow, go me, I win. I want to thank silverpheonix2, for making me feel like less of a loser; you get a washer/dryer set and a lifetime supply of lint. Yay! This next chapter might be a bit shorter than normal, because I said so. Deal with it, although I think only one person is reading this. Besides me. Ya know. This one involves a goat napping and a narrative to try to find out who did done it. Sorta. Yep. Wow. Oh, just read the story! God, it's not like anyone reads all of what's up here or anything. And if any of ya peoples try to report me... I'll just keep reposting and reposting, and If I'm suspended, I'll just create a new person, and then you'lll be screwed! NO FLAMES OR ELSE CAUSE I SAID SO! So don't read the story if it will not correspond with the charaters.If it's random, don't read it, you little people.Taking the book a bit too seriously... of course this doesn't apply to the people who've been r&r, they are awesome! READ!- No romance for anyone, yet.

Harry was now cleaning out his toes with Wizard's Chess pieces, telling them to stop trying to cut off his toes. I thought a toothpick would suffice, but... you know Harry these days. Kblibly the talking chickenstrip was galivanting around Harry's brain. Yep.

"I can't seem to find my hat," said an unimportant character. Then, a cow from Moscow came soaring down and then a rodeo of circus peanuts were singing Mary Had a Little Lamb. I thought I would just add that in there.

"**OMG!** Somebody took... somebody... they... EEEEEK!" shouted Harry as loudly as possible, then he giggled.

" Harry, what happened?" shouted Ron, who came running down the halls and ran right into a door that was randomly swung open. For the third time. Today.

" THEY TOOK MY... GOOOOAAATTT! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" cried Harry.

" Well... good." said that stupid unimportant character that nobody cares about.

" Hey, that hurts" said the charater

Author:Oh, well, sorry.

" Apology accepted" that.. whatever said.

Author: BY the way, when I said sorry, I forgot to tell you something... I LIED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ( a/n: a little tribute to Eddie Guerrero, Smackdown superstar, he kinda passed away, so...)

" I like pudding, yes I doooooo! I like pudding, how bout yoouuuu?" sang Draco in the Slytherin common room place.

" Eem, look away, all of you!" he shouted to the first years around him who all started crying hysterically. What babies, I mean, really!

" With my new plan, I shall find out what the hell is wrong with... ah, wait , don't tell me... I got it...wait... uh, that person. Yeah.Oh, Potter, I really do wonder what his first name is, I only call him by last name. I'll have to look into that sometime." he mused aloud.

" DRACO! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?" shouthed Sniveley Snape from all the way in Achoo-bless-you-stan, a little-known country off the coast of Madagascar.

Draco scampered off before he had to go outside without his night-night lankie(blanket) again.

Harry frantically kept searching in Hermione's hair every few minutes to look for his goat. Ron would clap and giggle everytime he started, cause he thought it was funny.

" Harry, I really doubt the goat would be in my hair" said Hermione, not affected by the author somehow, cause she was one of the bestest characters ever.

" How would you know? I found this soft-nose laser gun, a grenade, forty-five books on Assasinating Redheads, a helicopter manual, and a chocolate frog in there so far" said Harry, still searching through her unmanagable mane.

" A chocolate frog? I've been looking for that for months!" said Ron, completely oblivious of the other suggestive items.

A box of minuature lawnmowers and A My Little Pony stationary set hit Harry and Draco in the head in the exact same moment. Crickets chirped in each of their brains, except for Kblibly the Talking Chickenstrip, who was sing One-hit Wonders in a mini-lounge in Harry's brain. Eggs and beef jerky joined him in the chorus. How they got there, I really don't want to revolt you with the details.

Dumblydore in all his annoying twinkliness said" He who runs away, lives to pass gas another day. Martha says ' Don't eat plastic numbers off the fridge unless I says so'.Dog food isn't made for television. Lemony goodness in a bottle is't made for you, but for the evil floor who drinks it up without giving thanks to the Lemon gods."

Neville was hopping in semi-circles with a plastic noodle when... the world (insert dramatic theme song or sounds here) EXPLODED! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Well, sorry bout the wait, I am unreliable , but that's why you love me, right?...Right? Ah well, no matter.Need ideas. Need... reviews! Both would rock equally.YAY! Cookies for all who review! And for those who don't..ah heh heh...well, I'll take care of it.Holds axe in hands and smiles evilly- After all, every villain is lemons!


	4. Chapter 4: Gayness and think about quity

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I AM SOOOOO SORRY! I haven't updated in FORRRRRREVER! Once again, sorry. This story will be turning slightly slashy but it will add to the funnyness that is this story! Italics:...ME!

Disclaimer: Honestly, would I waste my time with this if I owned Harry Potter? I would be buying mansions and fudge and maybe some new socks...

"TOASTER! AND LLAMAS IN THE TOASTERS! WEEEEEEE...okay I'm getting bored of this...so very very very very bored" said Harry to himself. _And I agree, I am getting bored of him like this, too, so I changed him to be...GAY!_

"WHAT THE HELL! NO FREAKIN WAY!" he shouted at the author.

_Now now, Harry, to quote a great author" No caps lock for you_"(A/N: not an exact quote, but whatvever, you get the point)

Suddenly, Harry got the overpowering urge to flirt with Draco.(a/n HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! TOLD YOU!)

But then, unfortunately, the author decided to be an ass and make everyone completely random.

Hermione says: Italians are from Italy

Ron says: If life gives you lemons, run around with them stuffed in your shirt

Harry: I will NOT BE GAY! _Yes you will. Deal with it._

Neville: ( he didn't say anything, a-cause he blew up too many times, but he'll be back)

Draco: WEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I HAVE COME UP WITH A NEW PLAN! SEDUCTION...AND MURDER!(okay not murder)

Harry: I hope you don't mean me

Draco: Yes, yes I do

Harry: Well,...it won't happen you know...I will NOT BE GAY! _yes you will, or I will turn your hair red and have Hermione assasinate you...don't think she can't..._

Harry: ...gulp...I won't, I can't...please...

_nope sorry you had your chance...Flirt!_

Harry:...crap

Draco: Hey, uh, Harry(the author wanted me to be a stammering blob of puppy-love...ew)...um...I LOVE YOU! okay buh-bye!

Harry:...

Then a book went and hit Harry in the head because he was supposed to confess his love for Draco too, but that didn't happen.

Harry: But I'm not gay...whimper

_Yes you are! YOU ARE BECAUSE I SAY SO! MUHAHAHAHAHA!_

Harry: That would explain a lot. Like my taste in thong underwear...do I have to?

_..lemme think...yes, yes you do. Now go after him!_

Harry: YAY!

Harry runs off into the sunset, to talk to Draco(his love-y bunny) and then the story ends right there because then I would have to change the rating...

Hermione: That's messed up...and beautiful...tear

Ron: ew...That would explain why he didn't have a problem in sharing a room with four guys, one who is Irish...hmm...who cares, I'm hungry...let's get some food...

Hermione: I have this cookie the author gave me, and let's see if I have any more in my hair

Both run off into the library, but Herminoe had to show Ron where it was because he'd never been there before.

Dumbledore walks up to the screen and says: "Martha will keeeeeeeel you all...and remember, only you can prevent forest fires."

He then squeals and runs off into the sunset with Draco and Harry to...talk.

Neville was thinking about shortcake and how many uses there were for Snape's greasy hair when...(insert dramatic music here) the world went...puff. Yeah, it just...disappeared...weird.

A/N: okaaayyy...wow that sucked...and my style has changed. Um...just review if you want me to keep writng if not, then just tell me it sucked and I'll stop. Cheerios!


	5. Chapter 5: Misc Randomness

A/N: Well, this is my fifth chapter...(crowd cheereing) YAY! Normally i would be a person who would write a bunch of disoriented thoughts and call it a story...I guess that's what this is. HAHAHAHAHA! OKay, on to the disclaimers

Disclaimer: I WANT HARRY POTTER...but alas I don't own him...but a girl can dream...

Harry had been hiding from the author for quite some time now. He hated being used as a means of entertainment for her. And her readers...but they were awesome, so he didn't mind all that much. Well, being random would be hard on anyone I guess...So here he was, crouching behind one if those over-stuffed armchairs and hoping that she wouldn't find him...

So, Ron came waltzing in and suddenly looked down, seeing Harry.

"...HARRY, WHY ARE YOU BEHIND MY FAVORITE ARMCHAIR?"

"Ron, SHUT UP!" Harry then proceded to pull Ron down with him, so the author wouldn't be suspicious. Ron looked at him, then opened his mouth. Harry shoved a tube sock in said mouth, muffling Ron's words, looking around for the author.

Harry suddenly heard a soft laughter from behind. OH CRAP IT WAS THE AUTHOR!

She looked at him amusingly, but decided to fade into the background because people hate it when authors put themselves into the fic.

"Oh thank you, great Cow from Moscow!" Harry exclaimed, but what he doesn't know is that Draco knows the password to Gryffindor Tower.

" Hi, my little lovey bunny! I was looking for you for EVER! Why did you run away? You hurt my feelings, you know..." Draco stated, putting a lot of emotion into the already sickeningly sappy words.

Harry stared at him in horror.

A soaring chicken came crashing through the window to break the awkward silence.

"...Harry, er...-" But then a rather large elephant with a propeller hat fell out of the ceiling onto Ron, effectively crushing him.

"...Ooops, my bad...excuse me...pardon me...sorry..." he said, embarrased about interupting their conversation.

After the hippo was gone, and miraculously Ron had survived and was in the Hospital Wing, Harry turned to Draco.

"...WHAT IN MERLIN'S NAME ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!" Harry screamed, before taking a rubber frypan out of his pocket and hitting Draco on the knee with it.

"Um...ow? Teehee, Harry, you are so cute, funny, kinda smart, short, good looking, especially when you-"

" AHHHHHHH STOP! JUST STOP IT!" Harry yelled at the blonde boy, who was listing off things that he liked about a mushroom he had found on the ground and had named it " Harry".

" What? Oh, so you have a problem against mushrooms now? WE WILL FIGHT FOR MUSHROOM PREJUDICE AWARENESS, THEN FIX IT! TEEHEE TEEHEE TEEHEE TEE FREAKIN HEE!" Draco stormed off with his favorite mushroom, Harry.

" Um...that was random..." _Well no duh, Harry, whose fic is this?_

" Oh right okay..."

_Have a waffle then I suppose...no more to be told here right now..._

The author writes in a plate of waffles for Harry, who squeals like a little piggy, because he likes waffles very much.

Dumblydore walks up to the screen.

" You know what? I learned something today. We-"

We interupt your normal viewing program to bring you this important message. " I LIKE EGGS. THAT IS ALL."

We now return you to your regular viewing scheduel.

"- and Martha says hi." Dumblydore finished, before running off to join forces with Luna Lovegood's father and help spread the Rotfang conspiracy.

Neville was braiding Sevvie's hair when (insert commercial jingle here) the world EXPLODED!

A/N: Uh, yeah heh heh...I'm having plot bunnies slowly gnaw at my brain so that's probably why this fic is getting progressively less random. Well, I think there may only be a couple more chapters, so...eh...good day for all of you and take care of yourself, and others.(And if anybody can guess what show that " You know what? I learned something today" quote is from, I will be very happy and you will become my personal online bestest friend. Ever.)


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